I’m sorry that I never told you I loved you
but believe me, I did.
I’m sorry I never believed in the truth of those three little words
that everyone is dying to hear.
I never quite get why friends tell each other
“O.M.G. I love you so much!”
My response tends to be “thanks!” or an uncomfortable chuckle.
You see I’ve heard those three little words so many times
but their truth always seemed to fade.
I first saw it in my parents
as they would sit wordlessly at the dinner table
They never expressed much love for each other
Maybe that rubbed off.
When I was 10 my father told me he married my mother because it was convenient.
He was getting older and she seemed like a nice enough girl.
When I was 11 my mother told me that she had me because her biological clock was ticking, but that didn’t mean she loved me any less.
It was just more convenient.
I learned that love was something you told another person when you knew you were about out of time.
When I was 13 a man with cold hands said he was doing this because he loved me.
He clipped my wings and destroyed my innocence
while whispering in my ear
I love you,
I love you,
oh, baby, I love you
I still hear those words echoing in my ears
I learned that love was something they told you when they were hurting you.
At 15, my childhood sweetheart with the hazel eyes told me that
he had loved me since we were 7.
He took my hand and told me that he would never let go.
After the third girl who gave him everything I wouldn’t
It turned out I was the one to let go first.
I learned that love was something you only had when you gave exactly what they wanted
Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t blame my parents for what I did to you
or the man with the cold hands
or that boy with the hazel eyes
You were kind to me.
You were patient
You were everything I could have ever wanted.
I’d like to say that I could give you a reason for why I never said them, but I can’t.
The truth is, I don’t think they mattered to me as much as they did to you.
For me, there was no solace in them.